We can discuss tactical nuances and Mourinho's employment of the so-called "False Nine" in the absence of conventional strikers, but this would give the game a status it did not deserve.

Marc Melander - alright Marc, how's it going?: "If this 'false nine' malarkey gets any more popular are we going to have a 'False Nine Times Table' introduced into the schools curriculum?

Novelist Philip Kerr, author of the superb Berlin Noir series, meanwhile brings crisp plotting and characterisation to football in his Scott Manson thrillers, January Window, Hand of God and False Nine (Head of Zeus).